Suburgatory
Suburgatory is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on ABC.
Season 1
[edit]Pilot
[edit]- Tessa: (voiceover) To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.?
(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)
- D-bag: Yo!
- Tessa: (voiceover) At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was.
(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)
- Tessa: Ow.
- Tessa: (voiceover) But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull.
(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull.)
- Dalia: Are you a lesbian?
- Tessa: You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker?
- Dalia: (definitively) Those are lesbian boots.
(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls.)
- Mr. Wolf: Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy.
- Tessa: How so?
- Mr. Wolf: Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school.
- Dalia: For extra credit.
- Mr. Wolf: For extra credit.
- Dalia: Buddies are not your friends.
- Mr. Wolf: Not necessarily, no.
- Tessa: Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else?
- Tessa: (voiceover) That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory.
- Tessa: (voiceover) The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books.
The Barbecue
[edit]- Tessa: (voiceover) Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? (Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off) But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened.
(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)
- Tessa: Lisa! Hey.
- Lisa: I know what’s going on between you and my brother.
- Tessa: Nothing is going on.
- Lisa: Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening.
(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)
- Tessa: (voiceover) Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote?
- Tessa: (She stops the boy) Hi. I’m Tessa.
- Evan: I’m Evan.
- Tessa: Wanna make out?
- Evan: What? I mean… what?
(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)
- Tessa: Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing.
- Evan: Sorry?
- Tessa: Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. (She leaves Evan behind)
- Evan: What?
The Chatterer
[edit]Don't Call Me Shirley
[edit]- Tessa: (voiceover) They say it’s always quiet before the storm, but here in the suburbs, it’s just quiet.
(Meanwhile, at the high school, Tessa notices the eye of the fish at the cafeteria.)
- Tessa: (voiceover) Lunch was giving me the evil eye, and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia, the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs.
(So she decided to sit next to Malik.)
- Tessa: Hey.
- Mr. Wolf: Students. Students, I must interrupt lunch with a message that is both shocking and upsetting. Something happened this morning that threatens the quality of life as we know it.
- Tessa: Is this about the dolls? Can’t be about the dolls.
- Mr. Wolf: It is about the dolls. Potentially violent criminals are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students. This is what we call a teachable moment. Let’s chat about crime. Lisa, you’re a victim… In so many ways. How does that feel?
- Lisa: Mm. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-Mnh. Mnh-mnh.
- Mr. Wolf: I think that’s her way of saying, “it feels bad.” Keep eating. If we don’t keep eating, they win.
(Dalia comes up and takes the microphone from him.)
- Dalia: I just want to say, it’s pretty obvious who committed the crime.
- Malik: (standing up) It wasn’t me.
- Dalia: Not you. This crime spree started when certain people moved here from New York, New York, New… New York.
- Tessa: She’s talking about me.
(Malik slowly moves over to the next table.)
